[Entertainment Today, Feb. 4, 2006]
After shooting Austin millionaire attorney Harry Whittington while hunting, Vice President Dick Cheney declared it “the worst day of my life.” Nevertheless, Cheney has rebounded from his suffering by announcing the building of a Republican-themed amusement park to open in the ravaged area around New Orleans.
The park, which aides claim the Vice President has no financial interest in, will be called “Cheneyland.”
The idea for the park grew out of a G.O.P. think tank after the unrelenting scrutiny of Cheney when he shot Whittington in the face and chest, thinking he was an oversized quail in an orange shirt.
The land for the park has already been purchased from the state of Louisiana, for pennies on the dollar, after Hurricane Katrina flattened homes in the area.
The Halliburton Company, a former employer of Cheney, is in charge of the construction of Cheneyland. A Halliburton spokesperson insists the Vice President will receive no compensation for facilitating a non-competitive bid. Halliburton won the bidding with an estimate of 26 billion dollars four days ago. Due to cost overruns, it estimated today the price will be 34 billion dollars.
Halliburton has contended that price is reasonable, based on the fact that Cheneyland will be built completely underground and fortified to take direct hits from nuclear missiles.
Under a new statute, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) has been granted the right to take private land after a disaster and resell it at any price, in an effort to cheer up devastated victims and fight the war on terrorism.
FEMA’s sale of the New Orleans Cheneyland site will mean that those predominantly African-American victims will have to find other places to live, despite many of them never receiving insurance compensation due them for their destroyed homes and businesses. Those whose dead bodies were never recovered will, if they lived on land earmarked for the park, be noted on a plaque in the entrance of Cheneyland.
On a happier note, the amusement park will feature a “Hunter’s Blind,” where those with even no gun experience will be able to shoot birds with clipped wings, hogs with their hind legs tied together and other unnaturally handicapped creatures, much like the birds Cheney attempted to shoot in place of Whittington’s face, while being driven around the South Texas ranch on February 12.
Also scheduled for construction will be the “How Much Will It Cost Now?” pavillion, where participants will learn how to create cost overruns in construction and military supplies and make it look like it is natural.
Also featured will be the “Do-It-Yourself Body Armor” competition, where paintball enthusiasts will have to lash together a variety of household items on their bodies for protection, prior to engaging in a battle to shoot the enemy with paint pellets from a rifle. Exhibits for children will include “Find the WMDs,” “I Spy a Spy with my Little Eye” and a booth for tasting crude oils from around the world.
Cheney, who is noted for his obsessive secrecy and distrust of the media, refused to talk about Cheneyland He said he might grant an interview to Brit Hume of Fox News Channel but nobody else. Furthermore, no journalists will ever be allowed into Cheneyland to review it.
However, to show compassion for those whose lives were disrupted in the Gulf Coast, Cheneyland will extend a ten percent discount to anyone who can prove he or she lost a house due to Hurricane Katrina.
Whittington, who has apologized profusely for getting his face and chest in the way of Cheney’s shotgun during the ranch shooting, has been named CEO and general manager of Cheneyland.